How to Get Over Shyness

I get what it’s like to want to learn how to get over shyness. The problem is that getting over shyness can be a tightrope walk between undoing the social learning that got you in this position in the first place and not making it worse for yourself. As I talked about in the how to overcome shyness article you can actually make your problems with shyness worse for yourself if you’re not doing it properly.

Remember that nobody is actually a “shy person” it doesn’t work like that. Think about the situations where you actually feel shy. Like really think about them. Maybe you feel shy walking along the street, maybe you start to feel shy around strangers or maybe you feel shy talking to the opposite sex. But while you feel shy in these social situations – you’re not always shy. You’re not going to feel shy around close friends or family because you’ve learned that there’s nothing to risk from these people.

Now according to studies some people are born more likely to be shy than others but if you feel shy in a situation it’s because you’ve learned, at some stage in your life, that it’s safer to be shy in this situation. Now if you think about it – you’re unlikely to remember it. The problem is you learn this subconsciously so the real trick to learning how to get over shyness is to learn to retrain the lower levels of your brain.

How to Get Over Shyness – The Problem

get over shynessSo the big problem with overcoming shyness is that people think it’s as simple as just just “getting over it” and generally the people who give this advice just don’t understand shyness. To ‘get over shyness’ you can’t just reason with yourself and ‘get over’ the social awkwardness you feel. It’s the lower levels of your brain that have learned there’s a problem and they understand action and consequence – not reason and logic.

What I mean here is you can’t reason with your shyness. If you think clearly about it you know that you’ve nothing to worry about by talking to someone. I mean really, what is the worst that’s going to happen? And when outside of a social situation you might laugh at how easy it sounds.

But the reality is it’s not that easy. Anyone telling you to just ‘get over it’ probably hasn’t dealt with shyness. And they certainly don’t understand it or how to deal with it.

So if you’re really serious about wanting to start overcoming your shyness you need to learn how to do it properly. You can’t reason with it – you can’t logic with it but you can follow the right techniques to essentially ‘re-train’ your brain to react properly to situations. Now this is probably not the advice you were hoping for and I know from experience (I’ve spoken to a lot of shy people) that some people will stop reading right here. They’ll flip over to a different site or article which will feed them some platitudes like ‘just get out there!’.

The problem is this kind of advice makes you feel good. If I tell you I can teach how to get over shyness within three months with proper training you might be happy. If someone else tells you that all you need to do is ‘get over it’ and ‘force yourself to get over shyness’ and you’ll be the life of the party you’ll be ecstatic.

You’ll be wrong – and in exactly the same position you are now in three months time – but for that moment you’ll be ecstatic.

Unfortunately that’s what it comes down to. Shyness isn’t formed immediately – it is learned through ‘social learning’ which takes time. Unlearning it and learning how to overcome shyness will take time. Now I say three months as a rough time frame. Really it depends largely on you. Some people will do it a lot faster and others might have a much harder time with it. If you proper follow the shyness techniques I suggest you’ll actually find yourself improving over time so it’s not even like you’ll have to wait that long to see improvement.

But there is no magic pill which is going to overcome shyness for you.

So How Do You Overcome Shyness?

So if you’re still with me here hopefully that means there’s some hope. If you can accept that poor advice and platitudes won’t help then you might be willing to accept that what you do need is realistic goals, the right techniques and work.

Now I know this sounds like more work than you were expecting. You probably found yourself here looking for some easy advice or conversation lines you can use. And if you want to go down that path I wish you the best, I really do. But after years of dealing with shyness I know what works and what doesn’t. The easy one liners will make you feel better for a while – you might even make it through a social situation with them (if your shyness isn’t that bad) but it’s not going to be a fix.

If you want to properly change and learn how to get over shyness then take the time to learn the proper techniques I go through here on over shyness.  I lead you through setting up a realistic time frame and show you how to apply the right techniques which will change your life and how you deal with people.

Maybe I’m making it sound harder than it actually is. It’s not rocket science. I’ve been through the same things I’m going to show you with a lot of different people from various ages, walks of life and dealing with different levels of shyness and social anxiety. Anyone can learn to overcome shyness – it’s not a question of not being able to. It’s a question of making the time and effort into actually doing it.

And I can tell you, as someone who learning how to get over shyness, that it’s worth the effort.

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Tagged As: getting over shyness, how to get over shyness, how to overcome shyness

5 Responses to “How to Get Over Shyness”

  • Petrecere

    I never really thought about it like that before but that is right. I don’t always feel shy it is just in certain points so I only need to learn to feel more comfortable at those times… makes it sound easier.

    • Modesto

      Nicole BDecember 14, 2011 It sounds to be that you are just shy. Judging from what you wrote you do not meet the dinoagstic criteria for social anxiety. Social anxiety is a persistant fear of social situations, extreme anxiety when in a social situation, and an avoidance of social situations. I am a shy person too, butit usually gets better with age. I still have no desire to initiate conversations, but can definitely carry one. You may become more social as you age and if not, that’s okay too. If they world was full of outgoing people it would be chaos! )

  • Jen

    If I could overcome shyness… My life would change.

    • Gabriela

      Getting a part time job while I studied really helped me because you were constantly around the same people and conversation just follows

  • Micky

    Beating shyness… here I come!

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  • About

    Shy Chris

    My name is Chris and I'm the main writer for Over shyness.

    I know from first hand experience what kind of a difference shyness can make to your life. I put together over shyness when I had a hard time learning how to overcome shyness myself and saw how much bad advice there is out there.

    We have updated advice on how to overcome shyness and it's all based on the psychology and first hand experience of shyness.

  • Shyness Stories

    If you have a story about your shyness (whether you've overcome it or you still struggle with it) then please share it with us! We think this is a great way to help yourself understand your shyness and gives other readers an insight as well.

    You can find our shyness stories on the right of every page and it can really give you an insight into how other people deal with shyness and how they learned to overcome it. If you have one of your own you can get in touch with us with a comment or on the contact page.