I Have No Life
Shyness isn’t anything new. And it isn’t restricted to humans.
I mentioned before that it’s a leftover survival mechanism for your survival?
It’s still evident in the animal world. You’ll find introverted animals who have no intention of jumping first. They’ll sit and wait for the crowds of other animals to go first and go in themselves afterwards.
Of course, it’s a little different in today’s modern age.
But it’s still a growing problem.
Maybe it’s down to how reliant we are becoming on communicating from behind a screen. Maybe it’s because it’s a little more socially acceptable (or just plain easier) to waste time away in front of the TV or playing games.
Whatever the reason shyness, social anxiety, a lack of social skills and having no social life is on the rise.
Adult Social Skills
In a study from Psychology Today 62% of people said they felt shy on a daily basis. 82% said shyness affected them negatively.
That’s a lot more than you’d think. You tend to assume everyone is having the best time and social skills just come naturally but to be honest who really knows what’s going on in other peoples heads. Everyone deals with shyness differently and everyone deals with it to a different extent.
Some might have no social life at all, whilst others might be dealing with it and just have a smaller social life than they could potentially have.
It is hard to see this though.
The study actually broke it down a little further into information you’d expect to see. 75% are shy talking to strangers, 65% talking to opposite sex in public or in a group and 56% are shy talking to the opposite sex in a one to one.
Now obviously this might not match up exactly to how you feel, because again it will affect everyone differently.
Now here’s the interesting stat I always find interesting.
85% of the people polled said they would want to work to overcome their shyness and get a better social life and better social skills.
46% of them actually believed it was possible.
It’s a very outdated view and something I cover often when we’re talking about having no life. We used to believe that we couldn’t change how our brains were programmed – turns out we were wrong and there’s no reason you can’t change the way you feel about your social life.
Regardless of age, gender, background, location and regardless of how long you’ve been shy or how shy you are.
Usually people just assume that everyone else is doing fine and this problem is just limited to them. Now believe it or not this isn’t the only website on shyness I run.
Since I have gotten into helping others out with their shyness problems and social life issues I have been unable to stop. And part of that involves a coaching process. This means I talk to a lot of people who are dealing with shyness and having no social life. And they all seem to think the same things.
- Nobody else is having this problem.
- It’s nothing they can change.
I can certainly understand where this idea comes from.
Being shy and having no social life is an isolating feeling. You can feel cut off and distant from even the people you do know, or people you live with. It’s bad enough feeling like you have no life, and its worse when you feel like you never will have a social life. I know it’s a really crappy feeling but, to be honest, the worst is the idea that nothing can change. Look back at your self for example its possible that you were a different person when you were younger, and people change all the time, so it’s also possible that in the near future you can have a social life. Not only that, but the kind of social life you’d enjoy having.
I know first hand that it can. I know Chris’s story, I know my story and I’ve helped and seen so many other people change their lives I know for a fact that it can change. But I was in the exact same position not too long ago where I didn’t think it could change.
I thought I was shy and that was it. That I need to accept this and deal with it that way.
I thought I’d have no social life and that was it.
I thought I’d be the kind of person to never date – and that was just it.
Everyone is going to want different things out of a social life. Some want something to do and get active with a hint of confidence. Some just don’t want to be thought of as a loser. Some want the feeling of having people there for them or someone who will have their back.
Some might not even know what they want from a social life. Just that they want one. And that’s OK too.
And then there’s dating.
To be honest I, personally, think society puts too much pressure on the idea of being married or in a relationship. But occasionally you find that person who makes you put down that cynicism.
Dating is pretty hard when you don’t have a social life. First of all it’s harder to meet people.
This is becoming less of an issue however with the advent of dating sites and social media etc… (though that alone won’t do it, more on that in a moment) but it does mean you’re less likely to just meet someone. Oh bump in and light a conversation with a stranger whilst you’re out.
Secondly it’s hard to be interesting when you don’t have much life experience. The thought that ‘I have no life’ has a reason behind it, it also make you think what do I say or how to start a conversation?
One of the best lines someone ever told me was only boring people are bored. OK sometimes it’s a little hard to find entertainment if you’re stuck in a 10 hour shift at work but in general interesting people do interesting things. And in order to do that you need a social life.
If they’re telling you stories about what they’ve been doing lately and all you can do is continually ask about their experiences or tell them how you’ve been sitting around the house? I mean it might work for a while but that’ll get old fast, and eventually it’ll come to a point when you don’t have much to talk about except for the ‘same old’.
Before you can expect others to spend time with you – you need to be comfortable outside of that relationship.
Lastly even when you’re in a relationship you need a social life. Couples need a social life both as a couple and as individuals. It’s easy to lose you individual social life when you are in a relationship. You may end up spending so much time chillin’ with your other half that you’ll forget to meet your friends or keep avoiding them for a while. I’m not saying that’s definitely what always happens, but I’m saying its highly likely.
How to Have a Social Life Without Drinking
Too many people try and do the opposite of what we suggest. Rather then try to actually work on their social skills (which isn’t that hard) they try to mask it with a band-aid. Trying to memorize the same conversation to have with a bunch of people is one way – drinking is another.
And they’re both equally as bad.
We’re not looking to lower your inhibitions for one night here. Learning to have a social life without drinking means learning to reprogram your brain so you can have those lower inhibitions to do what you’d like to do socially without actually having to be drunk. It’s something we cover in the system and it’s certainly not advice we give. Unbelievably some shyness websites honestly suggest people get drunk.