Help! I Have no Personality!
There’s a lot of ways to phrase it.
Having no personality.
You know the funny thing? In my years of shyness coaching I’ve never actually met someone with no personality.
I’ve never met one person I found completely boring. Even the guy who collected these very specific stamps had some funny stories (hi Mike!).
Human being just have too many experiences to not have a personality.
But shyness can cripple any actual sign of your personality.
Shyness is your brains defence mechanism against perceived threats. Your brain can do some pretty cool things but it’s also pretty stupid sometimes.
It still thinks you’re under threat from predators if you stand out.
Even if you yourself feel like you have no personality. I guarantee you do.
You either don’t notice it or you suppress it so much you don’t even see it yourself.
This isn’t a “you’re a special little snowflake” chat by the way.
That’s not my thing.
If you’re the boring one or you have a problem making friends then you need to do something about it.
And while we’re on the topic there’s no such thing as a dull personality. Once you learn to be comfortable socially in groups and show that personality.
You’ll find you’ll always find the social life to fit you.
Some of the most boring people I know have great social lives.
I just can’t listen to them talk. But that’s OK. I’m not their crowd.
You just need to “retrain” yourself to be able to open up.
So if you’re introverted (or shy) your brain will try to stop you standing out.
Anything interesting about you is a threat. Sharing it with others might get you killed.
At least that is what it thinks.
The bad news is you can’t reason with this lower level of your brain.
You can’t tell it that you HAVE a personality and you’d like to share it with people.
It doesn’t understand logic or reason.
It understands experience.
So you need to “re-train” your brain basically.
Show it that it’s fine to be extroverted and out there.
That it’s OK to show people your personality.
The people with no personality are really just so introverted that they don’t know how to express themselves like the rest of us around people.
Trust me on that.
I’ve been there.
You might be surprised at how many people find themselves with a social problem and think they’re the only ones. The amount of times I’ve heard “I have no friends and I’m the only one”. One of the main ones I tend to find with a lot of people is they they tell me themselves, “I have no personality” and they think they’re the only one who feels this way.
Well guess what, you’re not alone here.
In fact, not even close.
Not even kind of close.
Take it from someone who talks to a lot of shy people. And a lot of people who have overcome their shyness. This can be a major limiting factor for both group situations and in a one to one. You might feel like you have nothing to say and no opinions on anything. You might find yourself acting the same as the people around you. Maybe not necessarily exact likes and dislikes but at least in general terms.
A lot of the judgement and constant scrutiny a shy person feels is largely in their head. And this can be the same for that nagging worry that other people find you boring or that you need to have the same likes as them.
Alone or with close friends and family you might consider yourself smart, articulate and interesting. And that could well be the case but as soon as you’re faced with a social situation that becomes buried under a layer of doubt and anxiety, followed by several thoughts and panicking about what you feel you can’t do. This is when you can begin to think you have no personality or that you’re boring (and in true shy person style less than the people around you).
Now there are a couple of ways to go about dealing with this kind of thing. So lets look into it a little.
The first is to make you comfortable with being yourself, talking to people and meeting new people. For that you might want to take a look at the full course on overcoming shyness. This will help you dig up a spade and expose your real self into conversations with people and groups.
The second way, is to go with the “just get over it” approach. This is the usual advice you get from people who don’t really understand what it’s like. This is the usual advice given by people who don’t feel shyness themselves and just expect you to stop doing it as if you have a button. Like it’s something you can rationalize and put down. But hey if you think this works for you then go for it.
Now I’ve gone over this before so I don’t want to get too deep into it, but shyness stems from a survival instinct in the lower level of the brain. It doesn’t respond to reason and logic. It responds from experience of survival. And forcing yourself into situations where you’re not prepared can actually just reinforce the negative traits you’re trying to get rid of. Which is the opposite of what you need to do just now.
Basically, you can be adding layers on top of your personality every time you find yourself hiding away when talking to people. This is why I tend to suggest learning properly and break the vicious circle.
And last, but not the least, there’s a bit of a cheat method. In my experience it’s not enough on its own but it’s a good in combination with learning to overcome your shyness.
Basically it involves getting practice with letting your personality out and make yourself interesting by dealing specifically with like minded people. For example joining a class or a sport with complete strangers which will give you a chance to talk about that sport or activity. This gives you an instant conversation point as well as views and ideas you can express and others will be able to share.
This can be surprisingly effective and I’ve seen people who couldn’t utter a word in a group conversation practice with methods like this and within a month they were back to their original groups a changed person. Or even better, a person who is confident with their personality.
And, as a side benefit, you might actually enjoy what you do and expand your social circle with the new people you meet. There is no down side to this, you don’t really know the people who you’re about to join in the chosen activity, all you know is that this is a chance for you to take.
Basically I’m telling you that you have a personality. You know this. It’s just buried away because shyness causes a fear of rejection and by showing your personality and opinions you’re exposing yourself to the threat of rejection. But by using the right methods you can learn to uncover it and grow your social skills and circle.
‘Having no personality’ is not really a thing, but feeling like you have no personality sure as hell is. Which also in turn means that its something that can build up and disappear in time, It won’t just happen by itself. You need to make this happen, if you really are tired of feeling this way, Because I sure know that I was.