Most of the topics I talk about here are about how to overcome shyness but with so many questions specifically on the topic of how to overcome shyness with girls I thought we’d look at it with a little more detail.
Now first of all there’s something which is important to know. A few things actually. And keep these in mind because overcoming shyness is a mental game and sometimes the smallest things can help you see things very differently.
First up – a lot of people feel shy. A huge percent. Far more than you’d actually expect. I’ve got some figures from a study by Psychology Today over here. But the upshot is that a lot of the people you see in your day to day life are shy and either overcoming it or just hiding it.
And that brings me to the second point – some people are more shy than you, some less shy. It’s not a 1 or 0 state of shy or not shy – it effects people to different degrees and around different people.
Think of it this way. Who are you going to feel shy around your close family (brothers, sisters and parents) or a complete stranger on the street? Your best friend you’ve known for years or a girl in a bar?
Now there’s a reason for this. It’s down to how you perceive your social worth and how the lower levels of your brain have learned to automatically perceive theirs. It’s a survival instinct basically. The lower levels of your brain doesn’t understand reason which is why you can’t rationalize your shyness away. It understands fear, danger and survival which is where your shyness comes from. It’s trying to protect you.
Unfortunately it doesn’t understand that we’re in the 21st century and it hasn’t quite caught onto the fact that if there’s any danger there it’s not from the girl at the bar – but more likely the guy near her who turns out to be her boyfriend. Or that if someone is actually on their own and looking to meet people there’s very little chance they’re going to be anything but happy to talk to you. But, like I said, there’s no reasoning with your brains outdated survival instinct.
So we know what the problem is, how about solving it?
Well I’ve got some good news on that front. Firstly the good news:
People tell themselves they can’t overcome shyness and it’s just who they are. This is making excuses to avoid change (another form of your lower brain getting in the way). Anyone can learn to overcome shyness.
It’s completely possible to learn how to overcome shyness with girls or anyone for that matter and it will certainly change your life. Shyness is something which can really hold you back but that just makes overcoming it ever more important.
The bad news is that it’s not an instant fix. There’s no pill you can take or self confidence quote you can tell yourself which will make it all better overnight. Overcoming shyness is a proper process which takes time to learn.
Most of you probably stopped reading at that point and went looking somewhere else, which is unfortunate. Plenty of other websites will pander to you and tell you it’s all fine just act confident and use some cheesy pick up line. But the thing is overcoming shyness really isn’t that hard. It doesn’t take that long and the results you get can be pretty much from day one.
Like I said earlier, shyness isn’t a 1 or 0. A shy or not shy. It can effect you on different levels and learning to overcome it happens step by step so even if it takes you two or three months you’re seeing improvements every day or even every week.
If you’re interested there’s a full course on actually beating shyness for good here.
Quick Tips on How to Overcome Shyness with Girls
Now while I do suggest everyone learns to overcome their shyness with the link above there is a few bits of advice I can give anyone just looking for some basic advice for the moment.
First up would be throwing yourself into situations can be good and bad. You do need to break your comfort zones but if you throw yourself into the deep end you can actually end up reinforcing your shyness which can hurt you in the long run and really show your shyness in the short term.
In practice I’m saying it’s probably better to start talking to girls in a group on group setting where you can get used to it a bit or maybe a one on one if you can get it. Maybe avoid walking over to a whole group of girls on your own unless you honestly feel like you can handle it.
Everyone is different but I’d avoid any of the pick up lines you’ve heard in sitcoms or movies. The best line you can use is “Hi, my name is …” don’t over complicate the approach just go and say hi and take it from there.
Don’t worry so much about getting a negative reaction when you say hello. Yes, this will happen at some point. It happens to everyone, not everybody is going to get along. But for the most part most people will be happy to at least small talk for a bit and that can really boost your confidence to talk to someone else.
Also keep in mind what I said earlier but more people than you think statistically being shy. If you spot someone being quiet in a group or sitting on their own – go and talk to them. If they’re there then they’re likely struggling with shyness and looking to talk to someone so they’re automatically going to be happy to talk to you. This good response you get from talking to them is another great way to boost you confidence to talk to more people.
As far as the conversation goes try to keep it light. Don’t have a script in your head but you can talk about anything going on around you to break the ice a bit.
“Did you see how far that guy flew off the bar?”
“That looks really good, do you mind if I ask what you’re drinking?”
From there there’s a knack to getting a conversation going. My golden rule here is it’s better to be interested than interesting. You don’t want to spend a conversation talking about yourself or topics she can’t engage in. Be interested in what she’s saying and ask questions based on her responses.
If she’s engaging in the conversation properly (some people just won’t be interested others will be too shy to talk to a stranger and haven’t read up on it like you have) she’ll ask questions back so answer those. Learn to let a conversation flow naturally don’t make it a game of 20 questions either.
From there it’s all up to you. This isn’t a dating advice site so I’m not going to tell you how to get a first date out of it. But I am going to suggest some extra reading.
First up is this (again). You’d be amazed at the change you can make by overcoming shyness and it’s the best way.
Secondly take a look at how to approach a girl. This article is actually advice from a girls perspective it covers some things guys wouldn’t normally consider.
And thirdly you might want to take a look at our guide on keeping a conversation going. You’re not looking to hold a girl up as long as you can just for the sake of it but if a conversation is going well you want to avoid the fizzle of an awkward silence or saying the wrong thing.
And keep in mind that it’s entirely possible to overcome your shyness. Learning how to overcome shyness with a girl is a good step but properly beating your shyness once and for all can do so much for your life as a whole – not just your dating life.