Living With Social Anxiety At School! Video



Social Anxiety


I’ve put off this video for a while as I detest traveling back to how I use to feel. My identity was lost..
I’m so glad I’m and just LIVE!
I just don’t what to know what other people have to say. I hope this at least helps someone.

You can be the most beautiful person in the world and everybody sees light and rainbows when they look at you, but if you yourself don’t know it, all of that doesn’t even matter. Every second that you spend on doubting your worth, every moment that you use to criticize yourself; is a second of your life wasted, is a moment of your life thrown away. It’s not like you have forever, so don’t waste any of your seconds, don’t throw even one of your moments away.
C. JoyBell C.

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ME –
Blouse, Bunny ears & earrings all from Newlook
Nails – Sinful Colors Kylie Jenner In shade Trends Matterz
Makeup –
L’Oreal Paris Infallible Matte Foundation In Shade 11 vanilla
mixed with
Rimmel London Match Perfection In Shade 100 Ivory
Seventeen BB Cream In Shade Light
Rimmel London Stay Matte Powder In Shade 001 Tranparnet
Rimmel London Natural Bronzer
Collection Shimmer&Shade Blusher In Shade 2. Blushalicious
Colour 24 Hour Tattoo Cream Eyeshadow Iin 65 – Pink Gold & 35- On and on Bronze!
Bourjois Paris Liquid Eyeliner
Natural Collection Mascara
Soap&Glory Brow Achery Brow Pencil In Shade Blonde
Revlon Colourburst Lip Crayon In Shade 001 Honey Douce

More of MUAH on my other channel – nicole_bickel_

I N S T A G R A M – Nicole Bickel

For business.

summer now everyone today I wanted to talk about a subject which I have been I don’t believe I’ve been avoiding it I just believe I kind of forget about it and I mean in that way I just don’t really want to fucking talk about it but today I generally wanted to talk about it so saw knows our back to school shitty tutorials on makeup and hairstyles and obviously I’m gonna fucking do them but I mean you know just life hacks an outfit I do some me half the outfit ideas I think I’m fucking way that it’s going in Britain obviously you do have obviously school uniform but I know half the shit they were wearing I think bitch we all know you got to send that shirt and they’re fucking paying you and you’ve got to fucking try and sell it the people I mean come on just own up to it fucking I’ll just do a separate video for fuck’s sake you can’t buy that shitty school space EP I wanted to talk about Sochi inside when I was a school I just didn’t even know anxiety was never taught about it from my memory on that you know it’s a lot of you may know you may have seen a video quite a while ago I believe this may be a good year ago that I made it’s basically me just talking about my journey with social anxiety I mean when people see me on a cam rather they automatically oh no no you can’t feel that way because I mean there is nobody here right now let’s just say that and I mean I’m absolutely comfortable with my family so I don’t really know why I feel because you talk to a camera cause I mean I always talk to the fucking camera I mean I like talking to myself understand that okay it’s really awkward on your daughter feet bulb and especially social anxiety nobody’s ever spoke about it and I know I’m presuming that they still don’t talk about it nowadays and it’s such a big subject that nobody ever realizes it you know teachers just happily partner you off at the swings us you’re just the shy kid when really you’re not the really thing you go then did it no didn’t gonna go but that’s all they might depart in your office but really it’s more of a deeper root than that they just like to say that there are no you’re just stance that we have to deal with you now all these big mental illnesses such as depression such as bulimia such as Nia anorexia all these eating disorder self harm obviously they are very big things that obviously still always need to be aware but things such as anxiety and especially social anxiety there’s no awareness there’s nothing about it it’s just you’re just shy and that’s it you’re just manipulated and you’re just forced and thrown upon as you are just shy and that is it you’re just a shy kid of the class it’s nothing more than that one really is a really deep mental illness and people just like to kind of throw you off and part you off as that and just excoriate six dreamily painful to go through that because you do think you’re absolutely insane because I used to think I was absolutely just headless there’s something wrong with me I was mentally ill especially as people would just partner me up as shy and then I just thought why am I feeling this way this but shy people feel when no shy people do not to somebody who shy get absolutely terrified and petrified and then you have a nervous breakdown to go to school every day you know because again like I said nobody ever spoke about it remotely I didn’t even know what anxiety was until us about 15 and a lot of you guys don’t realize as you sit and go Nicole you’re so confident probably but I’m over it and a lot of people don’t think you can get over it and like to just say oh no no no you made that up because you can’t get over that and obviously it’s always going to be there you know there’s always going to be situations but obviously I’m gonna feel very anxious but you know day to day I am over it and it’s not just something I did for a trend or I just did for views I just did for attention it was something that I felt from a very young age since I went to nursery I was always extremely extremely fucking anxious word get so worked up about going that I just didn’t want to just do anything anymore there was something about social action to me that just really made me anxious just to socialise with other people I just felt as if I was very weird as a child I was a creature I’ve always had this thing I still mmm a part of me kind of feels like it now but I’m kind of over it but you know again like I said from growing up that’s just always how I felt I just always felt as if I was very weird I was very odd and there was just something wrong with me and nobody ever bullied me saying that I was weird or odd it was just purely me I just felt that way partnering people often just saying that this and that especially teachers you know fair enough kids in the class because I mean you have got fucking brain cell yeah but actual teachers grown adults I mean heart you see it’s a little bit more than shyness the fact that when you’re at school you just have forced upon you have to do presentation that fellas if I had to do a presentation every fucking week of school thrown upon to speak in front of the class I used to have nervous breakdowns I was so scared to do presentations at school it was unbelievable I’ve worked myself up all week and I couldn’t sleep my heart would pump that day going into school and I just couldn’t do it it was so nerve racking when I had to stand up in front of the class I just feel myself getting all hot and getting all bothered and just feeling the words just just to wring and I just couldn’t speak and I would shake it was really bad and a lot of people don’t realize I think they see me now and they see me trotting around the way I am he’s saying no you can’t never felt like that she’s so much not going she’s so confident but you don’t really like I never used to have any confidence you know every day when I would wake up for school I would get so anxious it’d be unbelievable I would just worry what’s gonna happen to me I was so so absolute petrified of what would happen to me that day with something embarrassing happened to me would I Oh Milly ate myself in front of somebody when I got picked on in class and not know the answer and it was something that just made me so scared about going to school and when I was sat there in class my brain would just be gone it was unbelievable I just couldn’t soak up anything you know when the teachers talking I’ve seen you absorb stuff into your brain you somehow remember it I couldn’t remember it because I was that anxious to be there at school we just sit there sweating in my chair because I was so anxious to be there and that is not normal for a child to feel like that you know I spent years trying to think to myself why do I feel this way and it was just something that I don’t know I just hated the fact that you know when you get picked on on class or someone would say something to you and just everyone’s eyes would burn and stare you down I dreaded that it was really painful just to go through many youth feeling like that all the time and I don’t know why I just my voice would change everything about me would change when I woke up in the morning and had to go to school it’s like as if my identity was lost and when I came back home I was myself again and I would travel with my brothers and we’ve gone I said we’ve got woods and we’d run around with Bonnie and I would go mad at home and then when I get my report and my mum would really oh she’s got a parents evening they were cynical so shy she’s so quiet she never talks and it was just something that my mum and dad were looking going to Khoa really she’s running around on the couch ago he’s swearing going on I said no what is wrong you know and obviously the fact that I obviously never exorbitant into my brain at school I was always put into the group that was obviously more lower so the more lower kids the slower learner so I was always put into that category and even then I still panicked I panicked because I couldn’t spell good enough or I couldn’t read good enough in front of the teacher or just I just wasn’t good enough and I just couldn’t stay something good enough it was something just worked up over and over again and I would read when I got home from school you know I would always do my homework on time and stuff like that and I just steal no matter how much tried to revise it just couldn’t remember stuff because I would panic the situation was happened to me or even if I remembered it I remember at home and as soon as I was at school and the teacher would pick on me I wouldn’t remember it it was something that I just hated it when teachers would say to me no or you never talk Nicole what’s your input on it I just hated it so much I would just try and reverse everything in my brain I try and practice it and rehearse it and go this is what you’re gonna send it Aparna soon as the teacher picked on me I just felt myself just crumble away and as well as when you’re at school especially you know you get more attention put on you because teachers like to say you know you’re the good one in the class or look at Nicole she’s such a good example and then obviously the people they’re always you know screaming around look at that and then it just gives more attention on you I just didn’t want attention on me it was just something I always wanted to avoid and I just wanted to be unseen and I just wanted to get over and just everything done with but like I always said I would never go into school when it was presentation down would always tell my mom I said I really don’t want to go I’ve to perform a presentation my mom always understood so I would never go in that day and we would go off to town and we’d go to Mc.Donald’s and we go shopping we would laugh and have fun and then the next I would just feel myself deteriorating away because I knew I had to go back to school I just could never speak I just couldn’t do it so when I go to secondary school I believe when it was my first day in year 7 the night before I was sick I was so nervous about going well I said I had a friend at the time that was in my form so we went together obviously but still it made me feel a lot better but I was still so anxious because I wasn’t in the set the same as my friends which was absolutely fine with me but it was mainly a class for the boys which wasn’t the best and you know it’s not the end of the world but obviously you know as you do you’re obviously gonna have really humiliating moments but still it was just a really awful feeling the fact that I felt that every single day I felt nervous just doing anything just walking home walking to school I felt really nervous again like I said my identity was just gone it was faded away and the person that I was you would not recognize her you just wouldn’t even know who that was so obviously I did leave school when I was 14 so basically that is the end of year 9 I left I just went I just had an absolutely mental breakdown at big ray like I just went and said like mad fact I could relate to that so much or say I’m not schizophrenic but I had a breakdown the fact that I felt as if I was schizophrenic it was that bad I just had to leave I couldn’t do any more I never went to square always left I always just walked at the entrance just went home I couldn’t do it anymore they actually gave me a lunch part of basically I was in year nine only year 11s got it so I said I didn’t wanna come in to score any mus it’s what could I don’t want to do it you know the meeting even though it’s really awkward I just had to say and get it out so basically obviously I said that and they gave me a part or basically I could go out at lunch time which only year 11s could have and I guess obviously that put more attention on it but just everything made me really anxious about school just the whole just me think about it all those moments that happened again like I said I was never bullied at school obviously I was called names like everybody was but I was never pacifically bullied and even though I was very socially anxious and social anxiety I would always stick up for myself no matter what no matter how awkward I felt on are how embarrassed I always stick up for myself it was just something that I did or I would just walk away and ignore somebody but I’ve always with somebody I just couldn’t help I just couldn’t keep my trap shut I would always just have to say something or even do something I was just sort of there but I was never something you’ve got in fights or anything but if I have ended up in one I wasn’t just somebody who would sit there you know even now to this step I just don’t I just can’t help but do something I’m not saying if you’re somebody’s getting bullied obviously go and do something about it but the school that I went to obviously I knew people that got bullied and they actually told the head teach and they rang many people and nothing got done about it so obviously they had to just start a fight obviously they got you know actually attacked first and they’re you know obviously attacked back because as you would and the name of the ones that got in trouble just because those people were popular so that was kind of that you know the school I went to and basically you know the head teacher actually stole the school funds so what a lovely person he was and it did actually fell off said so obviously I did leave to go homeschooled so just needed to break away from everything like I said I just couldn’t deal with it anymore you know I always felt so left out and just I just didn’t fit in with anybody I always have felt like that even out this day if I join a college group I don’t fit in with people I’m so bloody used to it now it’s just a fart in the wind to me it’s so normal if you put me in a room with people you know work together but if you say oh let’s do too much I just confident do my own thing I’ve always kind of been like that and so now I’m just so used to it I don’t think about making friends here and there I’m very you know normal in the group I’m not saying I don’t speak 21 I’m so stuck up I’m not saying that you communicate be Sifl but I’m nothing more I’m just you know I’m at the dog on my back a moth see I have fan that’s the kind of person I am you know and it’s not something that’s weird it’s just the way I am now it’s so normal to me and that doesn’t mean oh you’re never gonna make friends I just realize sometimes when I want to make friends like I analyze people and I know when I want friends and when I don’t want friends you know in situations such as college life I don’t want friends I just want to get on with my career and I want to go the fuck home that is just the way I am I don’t want to be bothered just leave me the fuck alone basically I’m doing my own thing understand that so that is just the way I am I don’t think that’s really weird I am very independent whether you like to say that or not you know just doing normal things like you know years ago when I was younger stay out of dentist appointment I was actually more scared to go to speak to the dentist then actually to get a fucking feeling that’s how anxious I used to be so a lot of people did ask me obviously I did leave school and I got homeschooled so I just actually left I just gave my letter into the education woman I feel like they went to the reception one or the other and then I didn’t go in for a few days after that and they never rang up the school and then a girl he was in my class obviously when I heard Facebook at the time she messaged me and said Nicole if you left what do you mean and she said oh whoa your name’s not on the register anymore and I just thought oh I have left no the school never rang up you know when your mum doesn’t ring up when you’re ill basically they never rang back up to say are Nicole’s not here why haven’t you rang they never rang up they never contact me again I just left and that was it so I had a year off and I’ve seen you know it was so much better I did feel mentally more happier the fact that obviously I could go and do my own thing I started then this was about four years ago so obviously you know this was just something if I went to school still started today I would have never done and I would have never been getting free stuff like this right now so I’m glad I left because I never would have made it because people I obviously I mainly you to become years ago when I was in year 7 yeah and those people found out about air yeah it was awkward I’ve said I ran in and quickly removed all the videos but besides the point I have never been where I am today so I am glad cause some people would you ask me do you regret the fact that you left no I do not fucking regret it so I said I had a year off and then Scott obviously my brother said about a course that was going on the local college so obviously that I go to now and it was basically for homeschooled kids obviously people who may be bad behaved when they had to leave school or just people generally were homeschooled so it’s from 14 to 16 I believe yeah it was that was 42 15 Barbara on the scales from what I remembering and Scot persisted that I would go and obviously I didn’t really want to go because I just thought I’ve been very anxious to go Boggs day I’m not blaming me on him or anything I’m just saying I never pacifically wanted to go my mum was like yeah you should go and obviously the woman the home cheering council woman like I was never actually had a chewer just to work myself but the actual council woman that came over she said yeah you should go in there we have to visit you anymore that was lovely of her to visit you and you will see her car so she nearly came around a few times she never checked my work Ivor I had like six months why why she didn’t you fucking look at it she just chatted oh okay then oh right I’m not actually you slating the councillor I’m just said it was you pretty low okay so obviously I’m signed up and I went to it I was there had the year off and then I went in the September and it was just not really the best experience it made me kind of go absolutely mental so if you want me to say that there I just couldn’t sleep at night don’t worry about going the fact that I don’t wish school but I just couldn’t deal with going on we actually did have to go for twice a week but basically was Wednesday and Friday and they basically made us do art for the day and I am NOT out a fight person I could not draw em up to the appalling and I just don’t really have art I don’t really have artistic skills I guess you could say if I can actually speak English I just don’t you know when it comes to it I just spot anything on that and I’m just not really the best it’s not really my pick of interest to do for a whole day you know 9 to 3 of like a really long time I’ve said I’m gonna do it so obviously I just said do I have to do then they said no just come in on the Wednesday I just couldn’t do it when I soon as I got in the class it was just it’s hard to explain I was just so anxious especially going to the college that I went to it’s a very big college there’s a lot people you know us to getting the bus there it made me so anxious where I couldn’t breathe you know I always felt those feelings at school Wi Fi so much worth it was unbelievable I would say I felt very bad at school and then I had the year off and I got better and then I went back and it just made me realized that way I felt just so much worse and in a lot of people don’t realise I used to worry to go out I you would never walk my dog on my own I would never do anything the old me I used to be able to do it and I would always go funny and I got to excite when I couldn’t go out anymore do anything normal I wouldn’t even go to town I’d feel so anxious I’d feel so awkward and I would never wear any lovely clothes I had because I’ve always about anxious that people would look at me and we would stare at me because I looked good I’m not going to lie and I just would never dress up because I felt anxious that people would look at me and people would say to me to me you know people didn’t it was very awkward big men beeping it was just cringing but you know now I just don’t give a fuck about it but obviously that was what I did though join the course it was just the fact that even it was 9 o’clock to 12 I just couldn’t do it when I was in that it felt as if even one minute just felt so long and I know suppose that I was overreacting it just wasn’t my cup of tea and it was really badly organized the course anyway it wasn’t as if I was gonna learn anything we went then we didn’t do anything we’re doing if they were actually say we were doing something I wouldn’t have spelt as anxious but I remember it was really big College it was just not the best experience I was here I left I weather is September and I left in February and I never went I used to get insomnia so basically I could never sleep as soon as that day ended I just couldn’t sleep because I would worry so much about going the other week and I’ve seen there was a lot more symptoms obviously I felt I just felt absolutely there was just something wrong with me and then obviously I left that course I did join obviously actual mainstream college when I was 16 and it was something that obviously I was very anxious at the start but I was still kind of because I’m going through all that shit I went through from the home shooting course I knew my way around the college I knew all the best times I kind of knew everything so it did make me realize I’m kind of glad that I went through all that shit in that way because I realized now I know the college and I never way around no know where to go you know even now there are obviously areas that don’t know where to go but obviously I was very anxious doing the course I’ve asserted level one piece there because I had to do it so I’m setting get any juices from doing obviously none at school and obviously you didn’t do any on that course so obviously you just did like I’m level one what was it vtc level one or some shit like that learning skill shit and then obviously I had to do English and maths as well which I’ve cerebral past all that shit and just basically you know I was very anxious going to college there were moments honestly I was very extremely anxious and I realised when I turned 17 I just looked at myself in the mirror very oddly enough as you do and I just you know mine reset in my mind I’m not going to this way anymore I’m not gonna feel this anxious way anymore why I care so much about where people think about bi think of me I’m not gonna care what people think of me anymore one day I realized in my mind one day I’m gonna be really old and then we hike it up faggot I’m gonna be sat there no don’t smoke I’m just gonna be sat there one day and I’m gonna look back on my life and I’m gonna regret the fact that when I was 17 or when I was 18 I didn’t live life at the fullest and I was just afraid of you know getting in embarrassing situations I was afraid to go into a shop just in case I fell over and I embarrassed myself because I am a very embarrassing person I do embarrass myself a lot but now I laugh about it then I would just go like reading reading I feel really awkward and I would never say anything and I just want to go home and just go fuck now I just don’t give a fuck about what anybody thinks of me I could go out right now on my street and just scream fuck and not give one flying F about it cuz I just don’t care anymore and that was something though realized why do I care what imbecile other people think about me because you know what their opinion means fucking nothing I am never gonna invite these people into my life ever I’m never gonna care about them I don’t even want to fucking know about them I just don’t care what other people say if people they’re at college obviously I went to obviously level two to do my therapy ourselves a new class and people found out about my in to be honest I wasn’t afraid to admit about obviously I’m never somebody to ever mention it someone cuz I just don’t do that because it’s just not in my actual brain to think about that cuz it’s just really cringing awkward but people found out about fuck knows how any of the teachers are saying about it you know and I was just very open about it and I was proud of it I wasn’t going to say I feel really embarrassed about the I swear I’ve never swore at college because anyway I like to you know stay professional because I don’t want to swear around the classroom than they like to say like how and you use it against you but you know in that sense I was never embarrassed to openly admit about it you know and go oh yeah people did they all found out about it was so cringy the teachers found out about it they always said about it but they all said they loved it which is so delusional I fought right as soon as they were said about us so yeah it’s my whatever I thought people were not going to like it you show it’s the swearing everything we said it big daggers and everything imagine the teacher saying she loved it she watched one of the waxing ones my main t junction Nicko and everything and they were always laughing about it my ever since we were on the computer talking about it took what other products and stuff like that and I was so surprised that people actually liked it because I thought especially teachers they weren’t gonna like it through us got on the drag and everybody was so funny but I just thought people wouldn’t like it you know and obviously they would say oh my god what stuff we got friend stuff like that and it was you know absolutely amazing the fact that people had said but I was never embarrassed about it I never really cared what people thought it was just that main mindset in my mind that I thought to myself one day I’m gonna be old oh they always think about it whenever I’m in we anxious situations think one day I’m gonna die this will not matter I don’t know that’s really a really depressing way to think about it but I always thinking like that I just think in my mind you know what I could die in 30 minutes I might as well just live my life and just who cares you know what I you think it’s so anxious on the bus I’m not gonna lie to you I’m never one of those people if you put me in a situation I’m not gonna sit in tonight and have a panic attack of a fucking nothing on my own in a room if you put me in a situation of a really packed gen bus then I would get anxious but even though I was on a jam packed bus theater and I just think you’re a fucking model just laughing around I just didn’t care and I’m not one of those loud hooligans but I just think you were fuck the fan I walked upstairs and there’s no seats anywhere I just didn’t care the old me I’d feel so anxious I wouldn’t be able to breathe and I’d feel really uncomfortable and I would just want to scream and want to go mad and feel myself bubbling like but building up and wanting to scream back now okay say just because of those who you mean realizing you know what half the time you walk by someone I used to be actually petrified about walking by somebody on the street that’s how bad I was now I just don’t give one fuck if you won’t pass me on the street chances are I will just never remember you not even in my fucking mindset I’m thinking about someone else Geremi the old me I’ll get so anxious to walk past people to do anything that I would feel so awkward to do it now I just don’t care people shout at me on the street people started to shit to me when they walk by I just ignore people my head is in the sky with a high fucking up in the fucking sky bitch now I’m in the sky flying around I’m just in my own world and I’m thinking about ideas now you know that old anxious me I could never think of ideas and I would just sit there and just panic obviously a finger if I’m at home when I was in you know social situations you know now obviously you know from going out from going night clubs I know some people they may get very anxious I just don’t care that was just what happened to me as I realized I don’t want to feel this anxious way you’re a lot of people think you can’t ever get over a social anxiety like I said it’s always gonna be there but you know it’s always gonna be a part of me but if I could say people don’t believe you can get over I never ever took pills and I never went to a doctor because in my mind I just didn’t want to go to a fucking doctor for me to sit there and for him to get his fucking all notebook and go oh what symptoms have you got then and for me to go I’ll I’ve got this I have got that and feel fucking awkward sat on the fucking seat one lay my fucking feet go you know feeling anxious already so if I can speak to this twice about how I feel you know if they him to just fucking ticket go oh he’s a fucking subscription now go and fucking pop some pills your fucking be better I don’t want to rely on pills I wanted to rely on it myself that is the main thing don’t fucking rely on cigarettes or fucking drugs or booze or pills you have to fucking Spooner why I said fags what would fags do but you know just in general all these things will not work they will not cure it you have to cure it your pure self popping pills isn’t gonna solve anything you know it’s not like taking like Karma’s pills you can get into sake okay because then you know they’ve relaxed people you know to help them sleep and they can relax you in social situations but do not ever rely on things you know at the end of the day when they wear off you are going to be left on your own just you then what what are you gonna you gonna fucking have a panic attack fit because you can’t fucking have your pills Union do you need to rely on yourself to get it to work and I always knew that in my mind I always knew you know what I’m never gonna go to a doctor number one as well I do now she went on my medical records because it always will be and you know I’ve seen things people can look up on it and I didn’t want people to ever look up on it not that I’m embarrassed by it but I don’t want other people to use that against me and say you can’t do this you know when I was at college I never said about social anxiety once so just didn’t want people to ever ever used against me because they will use it against you especially in queer that I’m doing you know and at the end of the day I’m actually really good at communicating with people I never used to be but now that I just let go I am myself a college father stare do you like to keep my trap shut when it’s on swearing at my big opinions I was always down who speaking to the only women you’re the tease you know talking about the nails doing the facial and I loved it and actually my teacher said to me and she said just so good at communicating with people you’re just amazing and I would just hit that and I would just feel myself blossoming because I can communicate with people that old me I wouldn’t be able to do it because I let go of myself and I just realize you know what why do I care so much why am i holding myself back this person when she I hardly doubt that person I gave you know eight months ago her face she was gonna fucking remember me so you know what let’s just give her the best expense she can get unless really inform her about the face show and you know if chances are she’ll remember what I said at least I was not good at least I remember that you know like I said I never took any pills I just realized to myself one day I didn’t want to feel that way anymore and I just didn’t want to live my life in fear and I didn’t want to live my life being depressed I was I was depressed I was miserable I couldn’t sleep I just didn’t really like myself anymore and I realized why didn’t I like myself you know I’m not gonna lie I’m not fucking old painting but I’m not gonna come and sit over and fry the fish for compliments you know things could be fucking white okay was just supporting my mind you know what I was born a healthy baby and I’m somewhat healthy now you know I don’t know if I have anything but from you know my knowledge my health seems to be fine why am I sitting around wasting this sad life we have at the unit a it is precious when you think about it why am I wasting it you know I’m in the prime of my fucking existence I’m not gonna sit around in my room all day I’m gonna go out and enjoy myself and live my life and do stuff that I want to do and just be fearless and be reckless and be wild and be crazy and be everything all in one for myself and for me and just not give one flying fuck what other people say about me cuz you know what it doesn’t mean fuck all unless you let it be fuchal to you and that’s just one way I just always kept on thinking about it which you know what there are people who have cancer and they can’t go out and do stuff that I can go do right now there are people that have kidneys near the only of one kidney and have to sit on machines for about nine hours a day and I’m sat here wasting my life sat in my room and I thought you know what I’m gonna go out and you know even if it turns into an absolute mess I always put this to myself even if I have an absolutely really bad panic attack you know what at least I tried at least so you have got up got myself ready and for I tried because if you don’t ever try you’ll never get bad I went from many situations where I’ve forced myself to go out and I had extremely bad panic attacks in town because it was so busy it was so hot everyone would stare everyone with dagger I just couldn’t speak and I just need to get alone I don’t have to run home and quickly get back I would just feel mad I’ve got a feeling staying you and be gracious at panic attack say she goes mad it’s the first day of college I always felt that way or like I did on my last video when I did the first video ever about socially I’ve had at the start and man defines that is exactly how I thought I felt as if I was having an absolute nervous fucking breakdown physically emotionally drained I was you know I was gonna be sick over I just felt mad dizzy crazy all sounds went different in my mind I psych went different blood why I couldn’t say anything because I would be that anxious and I just thought to myself at least I tried and I kept on trying and I realized to myself half the time people walk by they don’t care about you they really don’t cuz when I walk past people I don’t care I’m more focused on myself what I’m doing later other IDs that I’ve got going on in my mind and what I’m up to I’m not focused on somebody’s walking behind me I don’t care what somebody if someone walks by room spots they don’t care and I just realized and I let everything go and I just realized I don’t care if I join a college class if I don’t fit in if people don’t like me if people don’t want to know me I just don’t care I really don’t and that is exactly how I thought I just a hundred percent give no flying fucks there’s not really much I can say or do I can’t give the best advice in the world because you know at the end of the day my best advice if people try and embarrass you at school because a lot of kids do like to do that especially when it’s due of sex or it’s to do relationship so it’s to do you don’t got off of anyone you haven’t done this if anyone you haven’t done this or oops maybe something maybe post the picture of you looking like a fucking idiot on Facebook I don’t know just anything just do not be embarrassed by even if you get embarrassed in the face you know you know what don’t be embarrassed by it own it I think you know what actually I haven’t slept with anybody I haven’t done this just own up to it and just you know what don’t feel fucking good about it you know you could say oh I I haven’t actually got off of anybody don’t feel embarrassed because other people make you feel embarrassed about it cuz you know what chances are they just fucking slept around with people and they fucking have been used and arrey and they’re just jealous so chances are that but you know again if you’re not going out with someone people was like depression when I was at school people said to me you know what Nicole you haven’t ever gone out with somebody why don’t we like set up a bet and you can like try and find somebody to go out with because I highly doubt anyone go out with you yeah I feel like you said that and you know what I just felt really embarrassed I’ve got I haven’t actually gone out with anyone but in my mind it’s what I never wanted a sad little petty relationship he just wasn’t my thing they just made me cringe I just never thought about it so again like I said just do not feel embarrassed own up to it if somebody embarrass you even if the fucking teacher Bausch you just good yeah and fucking own it and just think you know what fuck it just think of somebody who inspires me and it’s Jeffrey’s tires me to be myself and to just go for it and just think you know what no fucks are given life is limitless let’s fucking go for it so I just always think in your mind you know what that is the best that’s all I’ve really got for you and if people bully you or if people say oh and they stuff about you and they pick on you my best advice is just ignore somebody it is the worst thing to do to somebody it just ignoring something like silence it’s fucking violent it is it really can be your really ignores just doing this no I mean really annoy somebody so that is my best advice it’s just ignore a bitch do not look do not speak and just think on yourself you know what I think about your career obviously honors but you know at the end of the day it’s alright accept stuff you’re not good at you know I’m not the best are I’m not the best at spelling stuff you know and I’m just accept it you know it’s not the end of the world I’m shit at singing I’m shit at most stuff but you know I’m not gonna cry about it cuz everybody has weaknesses and everybody has strengths you know at the end of the day the fact that we’re forced to do the exact same test is everybody else at school and otherwise you fail or you pass it’s just highly areata cuz how are other people who all have different skills and all have different knowledge on stuff meant to be put in a room and just do one test and say if you fail this you’re basically fake as fuck all it really is is basic knowledge stuff you learn it’s just dead knowledge that they’re just passing on to you basically you just gotta remember and if you don’t remember it then you’re just hope that you’re thick when really all it is is just your knowledge you know I remember a lot of stuff but when it comes to stuff I don’t really want to remember I won’t remember it so there we go well I want to remember fucking remember it so that’s what it is it’s just dead knowledge that they do actually say to you go or otherwise you’re not a genius I was you’re not an any star student but I just wanted to give another little bit of inspiration or advices when I went to college obviously when I was 16 I did my level 1b therapy obviously had my English class and we had to do a presentation so I decided what was it going to do I was so anxious at this point I remember was Torah which to your presentation is half our grade a blower run has to be over five minutes and has to be for people in the room and I’ve seen the teacher I was so nervous I’m not glad about an hour to prepare for it as well we was told make minute that I had to quickly prepare for this no so fucking nervous to join Aggron so I did about something that I felt very passionate about and I realized to myself as well this is something that I want to help my journey to get away and I obviously I did talk about it in my main video but I just want to rego over if you haven’t seen it and I talked about social anxiety and I talked about my experience with it and I talked about everything how I felt and I yeah but it aren’t for a good ten minutes I didn’t even just her when I spoke I just straight away went in was there there was about four people in the mother was the teacher and she was so amazed she actually emailed my tutor and she spoke about it to me like Nicole I was taught about your presentation and the assistant teacher what was there she was saying oh my god it was absolutely amazing the cone she wanted to cry for me apparently so that’s why she said to me she said I wanted to hug you from everything you went through and then actual main teachers she was so proud I’ve never actually had anybody do a presentation for ten minutes and be so informative and as she speaks obviously didn’t called you and then they send it off to the actual big people but it was just insane the fact that I did so well to be so nervous and if I made a mistake that what I was doing the presentation if I made a mistake our boy I would just say it laughs but I go oh cool you know I can’t bloody speak and just move on you know if you make a mistake like that just say if you do a presentation at school and you muck up or you’re shaking just say it own it because people could not use that against you then if you sell just for you know maybe not swear but you know just mucked up on my bloody words could not speak English today you just bloody do it and say it you don’t feel shaking if you’re you know sweating if you’re getting be I would just think I couldn’t really be are way I’m feeling all quit just there’s about four people in the mother was the teacher and she was so amazed she actually emailed my tutor and she spoke about it to me like Nicole I’ve thought about your presentation and the assistant teacher but was there she was saying oh my god it was absolutely amazing the cone she wanted to cry for me apparently so that’s what she said to me she said I wanted to hug you from everything you went through and then actual main teachers she was so proud I’ve never actually had anybody do a presentation for ten minutes and be so informative and as she speaks obviously didn’t called you and then they send it off to the actual big people but it was just insane the fact that I did so well when coming from everything I’ve ever come from you know I used to be so nervous no I made a mistake that what I was doing the presentation if I made a mistake our boy I would just say it laughs but I go oh cool you know I can’t bloody speak and just move on you know if you make a mistake like that just say if you do a presentation at school and you muck up or you’re shaking just say it own it because people could not use that against you then if you sell just for you know maybe not swear but you know just mucked up on my bloody words could not speak English today you just bloody do it and say it you don’t feel shaking if you’re you know sweating if you’re getting bi we just think I couldn’t really be army I’m feeling old quick just just fucking say it you know what I mean because at the end of the day if you say it people could not use it against you because you’ve claimed it you’ve owned it before they fucking pad just say okay you know if you go bright red girl go really bright red I feel so bad just fucking own it because people can never ever use that fucking to get to you they will not like that they really won’t so again that made me feel so happy when I finished my presentation I was so pleased I’ve sat on the toilet being just buzzing just glowing from feeling so relieved it makes me really upset when people message me and tell me that there are school in situations happening to them I just want to come and save them and just come with me cuz I know how it felt when it was really it was a dreadful feeling to feel that every single day you know to be sweating through your school uniform and your heart to be pumping and you know not be able to feel like you can breathe it really makes you feel mad so I just always want you to remember the fact that if you’re a school and you feel to or could’ve just fucking speak in front of them there’s nothing wrong with you you know still now to this day if you put me in a wrong with people I don’t stand up in you and make myself known if you know obviously if I no question I’ll answer it okay said if I’m at college I still do get quite anxious about classrooms I’m not gonna lie to you you know I still get a bit awkward you know if you put me alone with the quiet I’ll be absolutely fine to see the face when you away when you put me in a room with 30 people their eyes are looking we still get a little bit anxious not gonna lie to you but I just openly said go but all could have speak in front of people that’s why I don’t really answer much and I will just say it because I’m not embarrassed about it you know and at the end of the day if you just say what you mean I’m not saying see the whole utter blunt truth because if I’m swearing in front of people obviously if I’m in your non professional way obviously you know that is spiritual charge of suing everyone Stedman fucking swear by one but just in general you know foxy your own professional fireman you can still say stuff it doesn’t mean you’re unprofessional just because you said oh you know it’s a little bit awkward to speak in front of people just bloody own up to it just bloody say it because at the end of the day like I said people can’t use it against your cell you were just really quiet and people do again they like to come around and to partner you up and tell you who especially when you don’t know who you are specially going for that stage you do believe every word that people say because I used to believe that I wish I nice believe everything that people used to say to me and that you know just everything but nowadays I just realized if anyone ever comes up to me and they like to tell me who I am I just go when you don’t actually know me set off your pup I just say yeah I just think in my mind you know what you had the audacity to come up to me and tell me who I am I have the right to release say no actually I’m not that I’m not explaining myself to fucking someone but I at least you know get out if you fucking pop have funny I’m not gonna lie so like I said once you let go of what other people think about you just everything will that go I didn’t even care what my mum and dad think about me okay what my siblings think about me because that is how much I just don’t care that doesn’t mean out of respect their value your opinion on me that just means I’m just so let’s do what I want to do that doesn’t mean I’m going for a wild face I’m doing those bad things cause obviously not it just means in general you know what I mean I don’t care that my mum will be listening to me right now just in that kind of sway of former I guess she would say but I just really wanted to get this all off my chest because I was thinking about it last night and I know it’s a really long video and people like to have changed because I’ve started to just do a few different fucking videos and I just wanted to ramble on coz I felt the inspiring to do it inspiring to do it I just find the spire to do it yes that makes more sense I’m fucking starving right now but I just really wanted to get everything out because it just felt right you should never force yourself to film a video especially like this you really want to get everything out as much as you can but I just want you to always realize if you have somebody that was a couple of special sessions I fucking look up to me I mean look at me now I feel so much more happier I get to sleep at night I just don’t worry anymore and obviously I’m gonna be anxious when I start college again though who wouldn’t be but I’m not gonna be so pretty anxious to go every single time I go there I just always want you to realize that life should be more than just being a nervous wreck because again I should be more than just popping fucking pills to make everything better because he’s not going to make everything better because once it wears off then what you’re gonna do. .

Tagged As: social anxiety

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